Surviving Erin Express Part 1

Local Man In Green Drinks Like He’s Going To Undergo Civil War Era Surgery

Gird your loins folks because this weekend is the start of an inescapable Philadelphia tradition. I know what you’re thinking and/or doing; You’re checking your calendar then shaking your fist up to the sky and yelling, “No, not yet. I’m not ready. No one told me! Why God? Why?” Well, luckily for you, I’m here with an official alert and tips to prepare you for tomorrow’s forecast of green and sloppy.

For those of you who are new here, let me explain. Erin Express is a two-weekend long celebration of a St. Patrick’s Day (“Day” which is usually indicative of a single 24 hour period of time, but who’s counting?). And by celebration I mean a drunken pub crawl through every restaurant, bar, Wawa, and alley way in Philadelphia. Starting as early as 7 am with the traditional feast of kegs and eggs, Erin Express is an all day long event where tourists and locals alike wear green, pile onto school busses, and drink like they’re about to get a bullet removed from their bodies with a pair of tweezers and a bottle of vodka.

Since Lifestoned Adventures is a local Philly blog, I feel like it’s my solemn duty to give you the DJ Khaled keys to success to surviving Erin Express. If you want no part of this tradition, I’m going to talk about how to survive this jawn using apps on your cellphone. Next week I’m going to roll up my sleeves and give you advice on how to handle being in the bright green mob yourself - that’s how much I love you guys. So...kiss your neighborhood bodega goodbye because it’s time for Erin Express.  

Perfect Planning (Instacart)

Think of all the things you’re going to need on a Saturday, put them on a list, take your phone out, and put them on instacart. Because if you think that come Saturday afternoon you’re going to just stroll into Wawa and get hoagie with no issues, than let me just take the time to tell you how completely wrong you are. The only reason why you should be at Wawa tomorrow is if you are already six drinks in and have a four-leaf clover painted on your cheek. Put your Instacart order in now and make sure you leave your delivery person a good tip.

Bring The Restaurant to You (Grubhub)

The last thing you want during your Saturday hangover brunch is to be reminded of how much you went in the night before. So if you want to skip out on the grocery shopping because it’s a lousy Friday night activity, then may I recommend getting your Grubhub/Seamless on. Grubhub now has some awesome local restaurants in their database so it won’t be difficult to find your favorite dish and get it delivered right to your door.

Hitch A Ride (Lyft)

If for some godforsaken reason you have to be out and about on Saturday, get ready to make some memories. Septa is already eventful sans drunk college students trying to make their way around the city, so just imagine it with the added bonus of everyone doing their best drunk uncle impression. You might want to forgo taking the MFL/BSL in general because tomorrow might be a good time to use Lyft or Uber. Personally, I would go with Lyft because the surcharges are usually not as high, but definitely be prepared to spend a little money getting around. Whatever you do, don’t take Uber/Lyft carpool options on a day like Erin Express - the risk of getting hit on or puked on is far too high.

Brave the Crowds Not The Wait (OpenTable)

If you're not going to let a bunch of drunk pub crawlers get in the way of you living your truth than this one is totally for you. Going out to eat on Saturday isn’t a complete no-no if you plan correctly. Get a small crew together and make a reservation on Opentable. Your dinner party shouldn’t be more than 4 or 5 people because restaurants rarely have large party reservations on Saturdays so pick your crew wisely. So if you don’t mind the crowds but don’t necessarily want to wait by the bar on the most crowded Saturday of the year in Philadelphia nows your opportunity to grab some Opentable points.  

Bonus Pro-Tip: If all fails, Ear Plugs

Let me level with you guys. I live in the Gayborhood - aka one of the loudest areas of Philadelphia even without a city wide pub crawl.So, it’s going to be so loud that I’m won’t even have to leave my apartment to hear the splendors of Erin Express. And I don’t intend on leaving. I’m spending this weekend doing laundry and building IKEA furniture and that’s why I’m picking up some earplugs for primetime (aka 10 am to 12 pm). I highly recommend you do the same.

Philly locals, are you Erin Expressing yourself or are you catching up on laundry and Netflix? Non-Philly locals, what does St. Patty's Day look like in your city or town? Let me know below or on Facebook and Twitter

Just For Laughs